


Life Is Like A Hurricane...

by MsYukari



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, I've lost it lol, Parody, Pearody, Season/Series 06, Yes this fic has pears. Don't judge me, crack!fic, what should have happened during the S6 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 18:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15936245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: So this is what should have happened during the S6 finale... and yes, this is a crack!fic. You've been warned...





	Life Is Like A Hurricane...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GothicYuri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothicYuri/gifts), [Freak_Vader83](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Freak_Vader83).



> Lol I apologize in advance for all the silly and perhaps obscure references I make for this fic. I thought it was funny lol ^_^;;

“I want your phone wiped back to factory settings in front of me,” Vera said firmly, watching Murphy with anger and disgust on her doorstep. Even the bun was stupidly in poor taste. At least Joan Ferguson had finesse.

“You are not getting--” Vera gasped as Murphy was shot in the head.

_Oh my god!_

Before she could even process what just happened, she heard a man yelling and realized it was Channing. He gleefully ran up to her doorstep looking like a stark raving lunatic.

“I got her! I got the bitch!”

Vera was shocked as Channing looked confused, staring at Murphy.

“That's not Ferguson. Who the fuck is that?!”

Vera didn't know what to do. She had a dead body on her doorstep, and Channing had just killed her thinking it was Joan.

He breathed deeply, starting to back away when a bullet hit him in the head. She covered her mouth, watching as he fell to the ground.

“Fuck!” She looked around as she saw another tall figure walking up. Joan was dressed all in black with her hair tied back into a ponytail. She lowered her gun.

“You didn't really think it would end this way did you, Vera?”

Vera's body trembled with fear and confusion, and Joan lifted her brow.

“You really thought it was going to end this way?”

Vera was confused.  _What did she mean by that?_

“W-what do you mean?”

Joan ushered her inside. Vera looked back out at Channing and Murphy, swallowing hard.

“What about the bodies?”

“It won't matter. There are so many plot holes, what are two bodies out on your doorstep going to matter?”

“But you're dead! I saw you in that box!”

“You saw a body, Vera. After all, the DNA evidence didn't confirm that it was me.”

“But they suspected it was you.”

“No, they're still dragging this out with the possibility that I could or could not be alive. I mean, honestly I am alive, but they don't want you to know that.”

Vera raised her brow. “Who are 'they'?”

Joan made a small sigh of frustration. “The writers!”

_Okay, now I think she's lost it._

“Think about it Vera. They've baited me being alive all season, only to show a fake looking corpse and for you to think it was me. I mean did it even smell like me? I don't think so.”

“Well, it was kind of hard to say since it was decomposing...”

“Vera, they deliberately left the DNA results open to interpretation so they can once again drag it out for next season.”

“Next season?”

“Vera, do you forget that we're all being controlled by the powers that be? We have no say in this matter! I say we take back Wentworth and make it great again.”

“Wait, is that a MAGA reference?”

“Did you just compare me to Trump?”

“No, but that was a very odd similar sounding slogan...” Vera said.

Joan gave her a disgusted look with her nostrils flaring. “It's bad enough for the writers to put in an extra such as Murphy to make her seem smart enough to carry out this grand scheme, and it's another that you'd even try to compare me to that megalomaniac!”

“Okay, Jesus Fucking Christ, Joan! Okay we'll make Wentworth great again... for fuck's sake.”

Joan smiled. “That's the spirit. You do know that me and Rita Connors have to have a showdown too right? I mean, according to the original Prisoner, that's how it should have been.”

“The original? What are you talking about?”

“Vera, you're trying my patience. The writer of this crack!fic only watched parts of PCBH, just go with it. She's only going with what she's heard.”

“I thought you were against the writers?”

Joan lifted her hand, thinking about that. “Only the Wentworth writers... not fanfic writers. The only thing I find annoying about this one currently is that she always writes me as being tender and loving and willing to forgive! THAT IS SO OUT OF CHARACTER OF ME!”

“It is... I guess, but what's the point?”

“The point is, I'll never change! So why even bother to redeem me?”

Vera was starting to think she needed to call the psychiatric hospital.

“Don't even think about that, Vera.”

“What? Think about what?”

“The psychiatric hospital.”

“How did you...?”

“I be knowing, Vera... now WHERE ARE THE PEARS?!”

“Oh, my God! NOT THIS AGAIN!”

“Vera, you know I'm not stopping until I'm swimming like Scrooge McDuck in a pile of pears.”

“You've been obsessing about pears for over a year though. Whyyyyyy? I don't even understand anymore.”

Joan smiled and walked up to her, pulling her up for a kiss. “You don't need to understand, Vera. For instance, that kiss? No context whatsoever, but it's okay because of FreakyTits.”

“FreakyTits?”

“OH MY GOD! BOTH YOU AND ATKO DON'T KNOW WHAT FREAKYTITS IS! EVEN PAM KNOWS!”

“Who are they?!”

“The actresses, Vera. Keep up.”

“I seriously think I'm going insane.”

“You think you're going insane? You weren't buried alive and then made to think you may or may not be alive and fans were left to theorize what happened to you for a year! And they're still not confirming!”

“But you're right here!” Vera exclaimed.

“That's because I exist only in fanfic now, Vera. This is what fanfic writers do. They correcT what they don't like. Or they write stupid crack!fics like this one to get out their frustration over the season finale.”

“So you're telling me, that everything we do is not controlled by us? But controlled by the hand of a writer?”

“That's correcT.”

“Even now?”

“Yes, even now. She thinks she's so clever writing this crack!fic. She's doing this instead of writing anything of real substance because she's kind of suffering from writer's block.”

“I don't even understand. Who is she?!”

“Vera, do you not understand what I'm telling you?! Fuck... well, then there is a reason I had ghost sex with you in another fic. It's too easy for you to be tricked, Vera. Even now, you're still being naive!”

“Ghost sex?”

“Yes, this is what these fanfic writers have to do because of this finale. In some way, they still have to keep me alive.”

“So, what you're saying is, you're alive through writing?”

Joan breathed very slowly and deeply, trying not to become irritated. “In a manner of speaking...”

“I can't deal with this right now. I'm pregnant.”

Joan's eyes glowed with awe and love. “Vera... you're pregnanT? That's it! We're taking this blackmail money and running away together. SOMEONE HAS TO BE A MOTHER TO THAT CHILD!” Joan came up and gently touched her stomach.

“I'm the mother though...”

“Yes, and I'm the daddy. Don't forget, Vera. That kiss from the season 5 episode before the finale was way more powerful than you think. And Jake thought he was the father. Pfft.”

“How is that even possible?”

“'Life finds a way.'”

“Did you just quote _Jurassic Park_?”

“Yes, I did because lately this fanfic writer has been obsessed with Jeff Goldblum. Don't judge her for that. Judge her for writing this fic! Now... let's go buy a mansion and some pears.”

“I don't think we could afford a mansion and why would I go with you?”

“That's another plot hole that will be ignored. And why would Clarice Starling go with Hannibal Lecter at the end of the book  _Hannibal_? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BUT IT HAPPENS ANYWAY! You know you're gay for me.”

“Yes... that's true. I'm gay for you and you know it.”

“Ayy, good girl. Let's go be gay and dangerous lesbians together.”

Vera smiled. “Okay, I love you.”

“You're going to start crying in lesbian about this aren't you?”

“Y-yes.”

Joan smiled, shaking her head. They walked away holding hands...

 

* * *

 

Months later, Vera waited for Joan to return home in their new mansion. Joan arrived, kissing her on the cheek and smiled as she changed into her swimsuit. “Come join me, Vera.”

“But what about the baby?”

“She'll be fine. She's asleep.”

“We're going swimming?”

“Yes... swimming in a pile of pears.”

“Like Scrooge McDuck?”

“Exactly like Scrooge McDuck. Don't judge me, Vera. It's my fucking life!”

“Okay, okay, I'm not judging you. I just think it's cute.”

“You would think it's cute, you sexy little minx.”

Vera blushed. “Is the Sharkicorn there?”

“THE SHARKICORN IS ALWAYS THERE! HE BEEN KNEW!”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that was entertaining for me. I do hope that GothicYuri and Freak_Vader83 enjoyed that. GothicYuri and I were talking on tumblr and she made the joke about Joan jumping into a pile of pears like Scrooge McDuck on Duck Tales. It made me laugh so much that I had to show Freak_Vader83 and TamsynStrike. Freak_Vader83 later joked they should spend their blackmail money to do that... and this is what I went with lol. Thank you for the inspearation. ;)


End file.
